Nintendo Should Not Make A New DS

So, in the last few months, there has been all kinds of crazy speculation that Nintendo is about to release this crazy new Nintendo DS with all kinds of bells and whistles. Nintendo recently commented on these rumors with the handheld-video-game-news equivalent to “about:blank.” Over in Nintendorksland, forum members have been going back and forth on the concept of a DS that takes all kinds of fancy pictures and plays those mp3s that the kids love these days, with some arguing that the idea “seems interesting,” and others stating that they will “pass” if there is a “price increase” (seriously? if?) Apparently, according to my own secret source, the new DS will be also run on corn ethanol and will win the Presidency of the United States of America on a platform of More Puppies (For Everyone!). Why do we need a new DS?

The DS Lite is absolutely fantastic. The screens are bright and clear. It plays the video games developed for the system. It comes in a variety of colors. Babies enjoy it. Sometimes the hinge between the halves will crack, but only for those users that are direct descendants of Benedict Arnold. It is a fine system. Charming, even. If you want it to play mp3s, you can very easily make it do so. A camera might be cute, and I’ll admit that, but only because I have my classic Game Boy Camera sitting right here and that was a fun idea. Games developed for a higher quality DS camera could be really clever! Or they could be filled with penises! Or both. (!)

However, my argument is that maybe, maybe they might want to bulk up the DS hardware, too. Do not get me wrong – I have never been much of a fan of the PSP, which exists in this world where all games must look, at best, as good as a crappy PS2 title, but I think that whenever the DS starts to push around polygons, it is an atrocity. Give the DS a little more power! Give it much bigger screens as well, and drop in a browser that doesn’t put donkey testicles in it’s mouth. Don’t go out trying to compete in the iPod market, but just try to do what you have been doing – making fun video games, better. Give us another 2D Metroid. Or a New New Super Mario Bros. I am a broken record on these points, yes, but someone will eventually read these and then maybe they’ll do something about them. Please.

I know that the DS is just shitting money. I know this. I know that releasing a new DS would force us all to buy one in our favorite colors. I know this too. But seriously can you please not just pull a Game Boy Micro and man-the-hell-up?