Nintendo still safe to use

After reports that Sony had to shut down its PlayStation Network after personal user information was stolen via high tech thievery and Microsoft admitted that Halo usage turns people into ugly douchebags, Nintendo is still able to tout that its consoles, networks and accessories are still safe to use (with proper wrist straps, eye goggles and foam padding).

The “man on the street” (“man” being subjective, as is “street,” and possibly “on”) confirms what data and research may or may not show. “Nintendo has never harmed a hair on my head,” declared Garret Evans, a shoeless Caucasian male that has spent literally hours or years playing video games. The sentiment was echoed by Branden, who identified himself as “B. Michael Straczynski.” Branden explained that out of all the opportunity available to the Japanese company, Nintendo stole but one thing from him. “Only my heart,” he said. “Only my heart.”