CONFIRMED: Nintendo Secures Exclusive Rights to Marketing Phrase “The Bible Guarantees It”

Days after members of the Family Radio Church of Methuselah Christ were raptured up to heaven, Nintendo’s marketing team secured the exclusive worldwide rights to the phrase “The Bible Guarantees It.” The phrase, which is considered an “airtight argument to buy” among retail circles, will be featured in a starburst graphic on all packaging Nintendo releases in Q4 of 2011.

When reached for comment, Nintendo marketing executive Scott Moffitt responded, “Love the site, but what are you trying to do with all of these stupid fake news articles – get a job at The Onion??” Justin: 🙁